Wednesday, October 20, 2010

Day 62, so do you think this works?

I have two weeks to enter a poetry contest. Not anticipating a win but I must start challenging myself. I am remodeling a previous poem from here. So I want your opinion, just answer these two questions.
Does the poem allow you to imagine this scene?
Is the scene clear to you and pleasant, or am I forcing a point? Don't be afraid to post, like I said I have two weeks to work on this and thank you for any brave soul that replies, I know it is hard but I promise I can handle it :) Oh and a buck to anyone who can tell what Bible story I am alluding to...

This is a poetic form called "Cascade" that I am going for. You build a 3-4 lined stanza and then repeat each line in the stanza as the end of the following stanzas... click here is the link to an explanation if you are curious. I like this form a lot.

The Stream

Feet dangle in a mountain stream
He laughs and jumps from stone to stone
the splashing water a crystal dew pausing in the air,
the mountain anointing our feet with it's tears.

I almost kept walking and missed
this moment when his smile was pure
his laugh unobscured, unaware of self while his
feet dangle in a mountain stream.

All we could feel was the cool silk of the water

and rounded river stones cobbled together by nature
or the occasional little boy, who rearranges them as
he laughs and jumps from stone to stone.

His mother unable to resist adoring him
her souls hunger finally filled
a satiated joy possessing their steps
the splashing water a crystal dew pausing in the air.

There where reasons not to stop
reasons to leave and never see
how sadness and joy are forever intertwined,
the mountain anointing our feet with it's tears.


Sherri M said...

Love the poem! I'm just not feeling 'dangle'. LOL. I keep getting caught up on that word so I'm gonna have to read some more and think over it some more before I can give some useful feedback...

Jen said...

looking for another word for dangle, but not finding the right one... it is a silly sounding word but I dunno...